Peonies Talk

Jan. 13th, 2005

Farewell

mood: nostalgic

WE never see it coming
just this quick,
how time flies,
our moments gone,
the trickle of  passions,
the handful of laugh,
the bucketful of cries,
the few bottle of beers,
some mundane talks,
the passing to this halt.

Your  room is
laid silent, muffled
by fresh memories
of your trance music,
of girlish moans & pants,
of Scottish gibberish,
of the flushing of your toilet.

In the thin walls
that separate us,
you came to know me
and I came to know you.

We’ve been silent,
absorbed with our own worlds
but quite aware of each other.
We created distance,
and wondered
what went wrong.

I remained a mystery to you
but you were never to me.

Did we really become friends?
we’re short of a lover,
never even acted like real colleagues,
never even said our farewells.
you are just Paul,
and I am just Anna.

Half-friends,half-lovers,
full-time strangers now.

Posted at 06:04 pm |

For a week now, I am no longer alone. I have a toddler, the toddler’s mother and a personal assistant living with me in my apartment. Going home at not-long-ago an empty place was never the same way again.Having people around you is way much better than filing your space with gadgets, needless noise and invisible therapists. I have been living alone for about six years now.

It was a novelty to be alone in china but I reached my limits on my third year. I was itching to go home and be with family and friends and my wishes were granted. But I did not stay long with my family as I have to be billeted in a barracks as a consequence of my military work.I lived alone in an officer’s quarters for more than a year and then, I left the service and lived somewhere in Taguig-alone, again.

Being alone, no matter how busy you can get, is an open invitation for loneliness. It was an uphill battle to get sane. It was a struggle to keep up and sustain oneself especially so that in all those times, I was literally reeling over heartaches and separations.It was a coming to terms with my choices to withdraw my past and live anew.It was never easy. The healing process took some time and more time.

It was a cycle.But I guess, I would not have to suffer the same way again. No man is an island,really.

Internet music has seamlessly streamed through my pipebox continuously for two hours now. My sun broadband bursted speed at about empth kbits and I am still floored over the fast net connection that I am getting these fast few days.

But I am not just going to talk about web connections. A while ago, I just shared to my peers about finding “d’ones” in our lives. At one point, we were confronted with the question if whether or not we already found and have “the-ones”. When we are faced with stories of relationships of good natured people turning sour and true loves gone awry with conflicts, we got confused. We began to have second looks of all those relationships we have.In my case,if this person I am recently with is not the-one, does it mean that I have not really meet ‘the-one’ yet? or probably I already met him but miss the shot of keeping him for good?

How do I know?Is there a compass leading to him or an indicator buzzing upon spotting him at once? Nonetheless, Am I just too self-absorbed to miss the signs? or really, the gap of letting him pass unnoticed by every second of taking him for granted has widened, that I literally miss the bus where both of us could have taken by destiny?

I would not know for sure.But what is certain, there are people or rather person I do really miss being with or even dream of getting old with.wink

What is nice about having an unlimited internet connection  at home or in the workplace is this opportunity to get lost in words without having to worry about how much kbits i have consumed (translated into twenty pesos an hour of internet use with prepaid modem).

After suffering with slow connection using gprs with my smart bro for two months, i am now enjoying a faster 3g with sun broadband.

I like to be wired. I like the idea that there is a wide world out there ready to be explored. The thought that I can get my message across the infinite stream of web consciousness is exciting enough.This is life added to the real one that I am living..

With this, these are the things I would be doing-aside from updating my social networks, I opt to blog and blog to my hearts desire. I will log on to my forex demo account, and backtest like there is no tomorrow.I will join its forum, write in its journal and make friends with my fellow. I will read everything about forex.I will read anything that will enhance my personal goals.Lastly, I will connect with friends and make new ones.

There is premium in putting up or reliving old vows.wink

I am watching Revolutionary Roads of Lenardo Di Caprio and Kate Winslet. It got me inspired to identify this certain itch I am feeling right now. The movie very well expressed what I am longing to do-trek down the revolutionary road..do some crazy things, rise up from the mediocre existence ,be free to trod on the off- the- beaten-track,meet new people, redefine my destiny..

I called this a three-year cycle of itch. 2006-2008 was the year to experience and test the waters and I have a taste of it and I want to get out from which I view now as a rut. I want to travel far and live life anew with strangers and find new meanings and connections.

Any suggestion?hehe

We spent our time in the road in the past week. From Manila to Bambang, Nueva Vizcaya, to Banaue, Ifugao to Sta. Maria, Isabela, then on and off to Solano and Bayombong and Bambang, all in Nueva Vizcaya, we had our fill of butt flattening field trips. It is a family bonding thing. On tow were my 2 nephews and 1 niece, my mother, my brother,sister and brother-in-law.

We just arrived from our trip in Sta. Maria, Isabela, that is about 45-min ride to Tuguegarao, Cagayan Valley. This is our first time to reach that part in the island of Luzon and despite the warning that it is a hang out of the Reds, we do not care. Besides, tragedy hits people at the most unexpected places and I believe it will not happen to us in Sta. Maria.

I have been to places all over the archipelago but I am in love with the rolling hills and pasture land this part of Isabela. I intend to put up my ranch in those hills and pasture lands and just imagine the cows grazing in those bends and the horses breed in the corners and the piggery on the side. I will be riding a white horse ala white castle..hehe. Tuguegarao is just an hour and half plane ride from Metro Manila or a good 10 hours travel on land.

Another good choice to raise cows and horses or put up a rest house would be Buda, Davao City. It is the summer capital of Davao, very much like Tagaytay or Baguio but better.:)

Anyway, in the next day in the good new year of 2009, we will be off to Bagiuo City, if God will. My cute 3-year old nephew JC John has been mumbling about us having about 10 houses..hehe. The reason is that in his three year lifetime,he has moved from one place to another and has lived in more than 10 houses, that is to count, ancestral homes in the provinces, lodgings in the suburbs or humble abodes of our hosts and hostesses, not to mention, his very own family transferred residence in about three times the past three years.hehe

It would be hard to explain to him that we’re really a family of gypsys. hehe

December 6, 2008, I received a 2009 Planner as a prize raffled to me for telling a Story.

It was Team Fernandez’ Christmas Party and everyone was asked to volunteer their “most palpak” experience while doing or building the business. The prize was that precious 24k worth of 2009 Planner.

I volunteered my story which happened on November 20, 2008.(Scene of Incident, Medessence Spa,Tagum City, DAVAO dEL nORTE.Case, Robbery with Hold Up. Assailant, UNidentified Armed Man.Victim, two pretty lawyers.LOL)

In the midst of rebonding my hair and while showing the forex trading plan to my lady lawyer friend named Jenny who by the way owned the Spa, a robber entered the salon and announced a HOld-UP. He brandished a revolver gun and carted away our cell phones and bags (which actually contained our precious identifications, cash and my pldt weroam.that’s why im waxing this blog entry in an internet cafe nearby.wink). There were only three of us in the salon, Jenny, me and the hairstylist.

It happened so fast.I thought of fighting or resisting the robber but I have no gun. No amount of Marine-ated training will do in facing an assailant with a gun while what you have was- just an experimental Kung Fu!lol. I was thinking, to hell with that bag if I bet my life on it.. and one thing, I looked like a mess with that straightening chemicals on my hair. Not a great photo ops for a local Lucy Lu wannabe.Hehe

I was on vacation at that time, on leave from work for two weeks. It was a day of my life which I can never forget. We were on the news and radio reports the next day. The headline shouted ” 2 ABOGADO NA-HOLD UP”. Now, everyone knew i was in town..and the robber should get a shiver, he held up the lawyer of the Governor of the province and yes, me, a military officer. Hehe.

I found myself staring at my laptop screen,getting to know its dust and crevices.I have not bonded with it for sometime and it takes a moment to realize that I have been somewhere for sometime.

I am writing this blog in my last night at the barracks. I admittedly overstayed. I changed jobs three months ago and I guess I need to boot myself out from the camp unless other people will do the booting for me..hehe..

I did what i need to do,packed all my stuff and will move out to my apartment in Taguig city tomorrow. I can’t help but reminisce how I started in the army and how it had been-being a soldier and yes-staying inside the camp. Early last year, I’ve been griping over the inconvenience of walking to and fro from work and how hard it was to be outside the camp at past 10 o’clock taps. I also have to contend with wearing the same uniforms day in and day out during work days and how, for goodness sake, will I fashion my hair when they would be tied down up to the last tendrils in a tight bun every day.

Working as a military officer was a novelty for sometime and after knowing what it takes to be one after the marine heyday trainings, I started to entertain thoughts of leaving the service. First and foremost, I wanted to live a civilian life and do trial practice in Courts. I know I have to be somewhere else.

I got what I desired. I am now working at the Public Attorney’s Office. I have no regrets and I am enjoying every bit of practice I do in Courts plus the company of my civilian colleagues. My Judge in the Family Courts just got awarded with judicial excellence of some sort few days ago and I am proud of her . If I am going to enjoy this lawyering job so much, perhaps, I would be entertaining thoughts of becoming an Honorable Judge or Justice in the future..hehe..

But no, I think, I am better off with something global and corporate, some career that will give me more time and money. Perhaps in the next years to come, you would not be surprise if I am doing private practice and traveling from one country to the next. This has something to do with the businesses I am doing on the side.

I am about to share my dream book to my team in the next weeks to come. One dream which is pertinent to what I want to do with my life is-travel and pleasures and I have to make a living out of it. That gives me an idea to study international culinary arts, pursue further my international language solutions business and do product distribution network on the side.

And with all that, a friend asked, where’s the cute cuddly kids and a husband on the picture? I answered with a smile;I am quite sure with the kids but not so with a husband. I do have sperm donors but I am not sure if i can bring them home as my husband..hehe

I am pretty much happy with my life. A contrast to what I have been through last year. I managed to emerge from that dark past and I am now facing a positive synergy in work and business. Because of this product distribution network business I am into, I have fostered deep meaningful relationship with my family and met new friends.

In this latest journey, I got to know that I am largely a powerful choleric and popular sanguine. The education I received from my business made me know myself some more. In the workshops I had with the success principles book, (and if i had come to know of this early in my life), I would have been an international chef because I have passion for deliciously artsy cuisines, a writer, an interior designer, an architect, or engineer or an artist or an event organizer, an international linguist or interpreter or doing business in relation to recreation or a manager of a big hotel..

Whatever happen to those could-have-beens, I am presently not concerned if I am what I should be.I know pretty sure I will own a state-of-the-art kitchen, study culinary arts, travel from one country to the next ,own an art studio and a a rest house where I could write to my own heart’s desire. The vision has been that strong. At the present, I am laying the grounds for all of these to happen. That’s why I have not been around so much,often away from my laptop but out there making my dreams come true.wink